I've moved!!

I now post somewhere else....yahoo started this 360 thing and I was able to use it to start a whole new page and I've kept up with that one surprisingly well. I'll hunt down the address and get it posted as soon as I get past this chest cold I have and stop feeling like a 90 year old man with emphysema (that doesn't look like its spelled right, but spell check didn't change it-oh well)
Til next time :)

News about Pop Tarts and Diet Coke

Oh well, here I am again. I have no idea what is wrong with me. Our 4th anniversary was the 3rd, and Joe had 3 days off of work, partly to go to OzzFest so by the time this morning came around and he had to go back to work I was suffering from separation anxiety. Over the last few days I have felt this weight on my shoulders and I can't seem to come out from underneath it. I just wake up this way. My Mom just called and I didn't even answer the phone because I don't feel like trying to explain to her how I feel. I'm sure some of it has to do with Boscoe. I still can't think of him without crying.

We did go see Batman Begins on Wednesday night. That movie was surprisingly good. I feel like we have enough comic book based movies out and about to last a lifetime, but that one was good.

I'm at a loss for words. I should be happy that Joe's band might get back together, and that we have been having a good time with our friends lately.....we aren't in financial trouble...things are ok. I'm not. Chalk it up to chemicals I guess. I keep telling myself that tomorrow I'll be back to normal and I'll get back to my life but I make no promises. I can't keep letting myself and everyone around me down. I guess I just need to have this time to figure out what I am doing. I know Joe understands but its hard to watch your life just pass in front of you and not have any desire to be a part of it. Sometimes I wish he would leave me so I don't have to feel so responsible for messing up his life. Maybe tomorrow I'll be better. Wish me luck.

Its been a while....

Well, I wasn't sure if I was going to come back to this or not, but the events of the last few days have left me needing to vent. On Monday, July 25th we had to put my dog, Boscoe to sleep. I can't even type these words without my heart aching and tears forming in my eyes. I loved that damn dog, I still do and I am so empty without him. His health started to deteriorate out of nowhere really. I mean, he was 13 so he was up there in age, but we took him to the vet a month ago and he was ok. The vet said his back legs might give out and not work again, and suddenly that's what happened. God I miss him so much. Pictures of him make me cry my eyes out...I feel like I have lost a person in my life. I know he was living with my parents and my Mom took really good care of him. He would have been miserable here....he needed someone there all the time because of his seizures, but dammit he was doing OK. I wasn't there at the end and I feel so unbelievably guilty that I didn't say goodbye or tell him I loved him one last time. I wasn't strong enough to be there when he took his last breath, and I will NEVER forgive myself for that. That poor dog....he knew what was coming I think. My Mom said it was just lucky that after they gave him the shot he didn't look back at her. Well, he didn't get to look back at me either and I hate myself. I just keep saying outloud to him how sorry I am. All this crying has left me with major headaches, but I can't seem to stop. Our 4 year anniversary is August 3rd, and we are having friends over this weekend to celebrate, but it just seems like its too soon to be having a good time when he is gone. Am I ever going to stop hurting? I know this may seem silly to some people, but to me this whole thing starts a viscious cycle where I lose my cat, Fred next, then my parents. They are all getting up there in age. I am so terrified to lose everyone. The guilt I feel for getting married and leaving the house is unbelievable. Oh well, I can't take anymore of this, so I will go for now. Wish me luck.
****In Loving Memory of Boscoe**** Goodbye Mr. Puppy, I will love and miss you forever.

That was fun

Well, its the butt crack of dawn and I can't sleep as per usual. There are just too many things running through my head. I couldn't figure out how to get back to the point of this progarm where you create new posts. I guess I am not that quick these days. I finally figured it out, so here I am. I wish I had some tremendously fascinating things to talk about, but I don't so I guess I have to talk about all the unimportant stuff.

We're planning a barbeque but I'm not sure what weekend its going to be. I sure hope everyone shows up this time. It gets old inviting people over and having them stand you up. Of course its going to be interesting to see if Dana comes with Eric since we are inviting Al and Natalie and the 2 girls hate each other.

I've decided to stop going to the group therapy I've been going to. My migranes have kept me away from 2 many sessions, and since they run it like a class I've missed too many discussions. My therapist is trying to talk me into staying, and at this point he is virtually stalking me. He;s driving me crazy.

We watched Be Cool the night before last and discovered it was a really funny movie. I'm surprised since I hated Get Shorty. We might be going to the movies this weekend to either see Revenge of the Sith again or to see Batman Begins. We would like to take my brother, Rick to see Land of the Dead since that is something he's been hoping to see, but I guess I'll know what's up later.

I'm so tired my hands are shaking so I can't type. I have the most amazing husband in the world. We spent last night coloring and highlighting my hair. How many guys would actually help their wives with that. It didn't turn out all that great since it was my first time, but its alright I guess. My hair is so long I can't get to all of it, so that's where Joe comes in. There are many times when I don't feel like I deserve him, or that I am good enough for him.

I just feel like hell right now. I don't know what to do to fall asleep. I'm stressing because we spent too much money last weekend and the rent is due this week. We have the money its just that I have gotten to where I hate spending anything. We went without for so long, I don't want to see that happening again.

I've been thinking a lot about old friends, and whether or not there is anyway to rekindle relationships. I miss having a really close friend to talk to. A girl friend would be nice. I've gone to Classmates.com but no one seems to want to answer any emails. I guess I remember things more fondly than they do. Oh well, enough for now. I'll be back I am sure to ramble endlessly once again.
Til next time...

Where to begin?

Ok, so I decided to go for it and try out this blog business. I have just started writing in a journal again, so I'll have to weigh the 2 and see which is more cathartic. I'll admit, I got the idea from Steve....its funny because that butthead has been the source of a lot of ideas...he was, hahaha in another lifetime, right? So, its pretty late and I can't sleep, but what else is new.
I went to the baby shower of my BEST friend in the world Jenni today. We met in 5th grade. I always knew she would do the whole marriage and kids thing before me. Well, our weddings weren't far apart, but the kid part couldn't be farther off. She's happy though so I am happy for her. I wish she hadn't moved to Chicago so I could actually see her once in a while. That Chicago thing is really working for a lot of people that I know. Anyways, despite my extremely horrid appearance and being a nervous wreck about seeing her after all this time, it was nice. It was a rough weekend I have to admit. Saturday was not a good day. I had a bonified meltdown, but that's nothing new. We did book our Vegas trip today though. We are leaving September 17th and coming back on the 23rd. I wish I could be more excited but I hate to spend the money. Oh well, I apologize if this has been boring, but like I said its sort of late...I'm too tired to sleep almost. Wish me luck.
Until next time....